As I write this, I should be playing "My Place In This World" by Michael W. Smith, just to make it all super sappy but, I'm not into "sap" these days so some 80's music on the Kindle will have to suffice. I've been an agitated mess for the last day and a half and I had just figured it was the death of my beloved Casey and or the full moon, sucking the water out of my brain but as the full moon was ending, the agitation continued so as always, I self analyzed (which usually takes place during wicked bouts of insomnia) so I could figure out what the hell is wrong with me - and here's what it came down to.
It's already a daily struggle with my frustration with the fellow citizens of this country and humans on this planet that are being WILLFULLY ignorant as to what is going on in the world and the USA these days, the lies, the deceit, the very physical destruction of this planet - to even be able to sustain life for even another 40 years, really. What astounds me the MOST is people with young children that would rather not be labeled a "conspiracy theorist" than protect your children and THEIR future but you know what, I don't give a fuck anymore - everyone believe whatever you want to believe - you'll find out the ugly truth when it hits you in the face at 100 mph! I have accepted that I alone or with just even a few, don't have the power to help stop all of the evil that is going on, on the planet so I have decided that I need to concentrate on something I CAN control, me and MY life.
Back in mid 2014, I almost died. If I hadn't gone to the emergency room on the day that I did, I'd of been dead in 6 or so days and two days into being in the hospital, up until I had my minor lung surgery, I was just a hop skip and jump away from death, still.
What's weird though, for me - it wasn't that traumatic. Being sick and feeling like crap like I had never felt before and upsetting my family...THAT was more traumatic to me than the thought of dying was. I used to be TERRIFIED of death but not so much now. But I ended up making an unexpected miraculous recovery per the rest of 2014. At first, when I got home, I felt this great thankfulness and gratitude to God and friends and family and for being ALIVE. But as summer and fall turned to winter, that feeling began to fade. It was apparent to me that life as I had known it (world sucking, money problems, darkness etc) were all still there. But the main thing that kept me going before and after the "sickness" was my music (the music that I had produced, created and shared in 2013/2014 and especially the last of Bypass Ratio's singles after getting out of the hospital. The sad thing about that though is that (with the exception of a few friends and family) - and like all artistic ventures that I tried so hard to get to work, not many gave a shit about it, any of it, because it was ME doing it. And before everyone reading this goes "Oh Jason, that's not true!" - If you can find a way to get into my body, brain, heart and soul and live these last 41 years as ME with every minute of experiences from birth in 1973 to NOW - THEN and only then can you judge and comment on what I have been through in this life.
Now don't get me wrong, I know I haven't had the worst life in this world - I constantly remind myself of this in my later years and every single day - I don't live in The Ukraine or Iraq or the hoods of Detroit or have cancer or a sick child, I have all of my limbs - stuff like that - but I do struggle (as many in this world I'm sure do - too) with...WHY THE FUCK AM I HERE ON THIS RATCHET ASS PLANET? On one hand I am thankful that my parents gave me life, on the other hand, there are actually times that I feel great anger that I didn't get to ascend into light and love last summer, from Regional Hospital. Stuck, back in this life of continuous lack of money and going from poor but still independent to 100% dependent on a government that I LOATH and constant reminders of a disappointing life. And not just mine, but my family, my mother - what my immediate family is going through and is feeling...I FEEL too - 100% because I have a deep deep love for them. I may not show tons of emotion these days but trust me... it is in there!! Remember, I was more concerned about how my possible death last summer, would effect them emotionally, not about how I FELT about my possible death.
_
Friday, February 6, 2015
There has always been this constant battle, in my life, with - this great love that so many have for me but also a constant disregard as well. I don't expect people to just give up their lives and worship the ground I walk on or become Jason groupies but many times I have felt that I have been in this position... of "It's just Jason" - and let me tell you... it took almost 2 decades to erase much of the damage that 11 horrific years of school in Indiana as a gay dude, living in the shadow of the proteges in my family as an impressionable child and a female matriarch that had great love for me but continuously belittled me and a one love of my life who also did the same. It took me almost 2 decades to feel that I had any worth. Many will say, "Well, Jason... you could have tried to do music or sell your art when you were younger or you could have gone to college and had a career so you wouldn't be poor now."
This is true but when you are spending year in, year out, trying to repair the damage that has been done to yourself, (often times with friends and alcohol and or drugs or sex- which were bad ways but in some good ways too) those other things are very difficult to accomplish!
I am not crazy and, I am not stupid. Self absorbed, yes - less now than before but yes - but underneath it ALL - what I truly am and will always be is... AN ARTIST.
It has gone down different avenues but that is what I am!
And as far as my life goes - don't think that I just blame blame blame everyone else and the world for all of my problems. No one forced me to make any of the good (few) or the many bad decisions that I have made in this life that I suffer some of the consequences of - to this day - but there are and were many reasons WHY I made those decisions in the first place!
There have been a few things that I have accomplished that are good, in this life but most everything else has been a failure or just trying to survive - and that stinks! And for so long and especially now - it's always about $$$MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEYMONEYMONEYMONEY - or lack there of. I know that it doesn't bring happiness - per say and is not the most important thing in life but lack of it - in the world that we live in today - can pretty much ruin any chances of "happiness" when you are, and your family that you love so much, is suffering because of that lack of. So, I started to finally realize that all of this has been weighing heavily on my mind, causing this agitation - because I am getting ready to purchase (and bankrupt myself for February, basically) the computer and microphone to begin recording the record that I was suppose to start back in November!
I am a rookie amateur when it comes to music but it has been the only thing that I have had a "passion" for in my entire life! But I started in on myself - "Oh, you shouldn't spend the money on that - you suck, you are a rookie, nobody listens to it or you etc etc" and tonight, as I write this, I had a flashback of my entire life and all that I have mentioned in this dialogue and it made me angry and go, "you know what? - fuck it - I'm doing this!" - and I may not make a goddamned dollar off of it (per usual) and maybe I didn't go to 10 years of music school or art school - and don't get me wrong, I bow down and have so much respect for everyone who has done that and worked so hard and they deserve all of their success - but I mentioned the reasons why I didn't go that route and that doesn't mean that I DON'T DESERVE success or recognition just because I have traveled a different route in life.
Anyway, I am rambling now but before I record this album (under my stage name JONSONA) know that I don't expect (nor want) to become this big discovered mega star and be rich and famous to suggest that would fix all of the bad parts of a lackluster life - I don't expect tons of support for me doing the project of the project itself - but I do expect some RESPECT for me and the project that is very important to ME, even if it is not "your thing" - I don't think that that is too much to ask for.
After this album is released (it will be for sale and I will have to spend some money to make that happen) - it may not make a damn dime and if that does indeed happen AGAIN, I won't be too disappointed for I am used to it now, but the one day that I finally DO leave this wretched planet, I can feel good about myself and the fact that I didn't let lack of support, lack of the almighty dollar or... fear, stop me from doing something that I love to do and that I kept "trying" instead of just being an overweight, bleached blonde HIV laden queer, feeling sorry for himself and doing nothing but lying in bed all day. Damn it, I am important when it comes to this planet and I am worth more than just being a slave to the service industry, cleaning stuff and being alive just for the sake of being alive!
And my dear friend Dan Rogan (who passed away), I hear your voice telling me that I am blessed, and I am in so many ways but I also deserve some recognition for the things that I do to contribute to this world, which is just as important as everyone elses.
So, I am going forward with the album and by writing this and coming to a final decision about the music recording purchase, my agitation is fading and thank you for listening!
On a final note, I want to thank my Mother - (though we have had our ups and downs over the years) - thank her for the unconditional love and undying support for me as an artist and as a human being. I couldn't have made it through this life and especially these last 3 years, without her!
~peace~
This is true but when you are spending year in, year out, trying to repair the damage that has been done to yourself, (often times with friends and alcohol and or drugs or sex- which were bad ways but in some good ways too) those other things are very difficult to accomplish!
I am not crazy and, I am not stupid. Self absorbed, yes - less now than before but yes - but underneath it ALL - what I truly am and will always be is... AN ARTIST.
It has gone down different avenues but that is what I am!
And as far as my life goes - don't think that I just blame blame blame everyone else and the world for all of my problems. No one forced me to make any of the good (few) or the many bad decisions that I have made in this life that I suffer some of the consequences of - to this day - but there are and were many reasons WHY I made those decisions in the first place!
There have been a few things that I have accomplished that are good, in this life but most everything else has been a failure or just trying to survive - and that stinks! And for so long and especially now - it's always about $$$MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEYMONEYMONEYMONEY - or lack there of. I know that it doesn't bring happiness - per say and is not the most important thing in life but lack of it - in the world that we live in today - can pretty much ruin any chances of "happiness" when you are, and your family that you love so much, is suffering because of that lack of. So, I started to finally realize that all of this has been weighing heavily on my mind, causing this agitation - because I am getting ready to purchase (and bankrupt myself for February, basically) the computer and microphone to begin recording the record that I was suppose to start back in November!
I am a rookie amateur when it comes to music but it has been the only thing that I have had a "passion" for in my entire life! But I started in on myself - "Oh, you shouldn't spend the money on that - you suck, you are a rookie, nobody listens to it or you etc etc" and tonight, as I write this, I had a flashback of my entire life and all that I have mentioned in this dialogue and it made me angry and go, "you know what? - fuck it - I'm doing this!" - and I may not make a goddamned dollar off of it (per usual) and maybe I didn't go to 10 years of music school or art school - and don't get me wrong, I bow down and have so much respect for everyone who has done that and worked so hard and they deserve all of their success - but I mentioned the reasons why I didn't go that route and that doesn't mean that I DON'T DESERVE success or recognition just because I have traveled a different route in life.
Anyway, I am rambling now but before I record this album (under my stage name JONSONA) know that I don't expect (nor want) to become this big discovered mega star and be rich and famous to suggest that would fix all of the bad parts of a lackluster life - I don't expect tons of support for me doing the project of the project itself - but I do expect some RESPECT for me and the project that is very important to ME, even if it is not "your thing" - I don't think that that is too much to ask for.
After this album is released (it will be for sale and I will have to spend some money to make that happen) - it may not make a damn dime and if that does indeed happen AGAIN, I won't be too disappointed for I am used to it now, but the one day that I finally DO leave this wretched planet, I can feel good about myself and the fact that I didn't let lack of support, lack of the almighty dollar or... fear, stop me from doing something that I love to do and that I kept "trying" instead of just being an overweight, bleached blonde HIV laden queer, feeling sorry for himself and doing nothing but lying in bed all day. Damn it, I am important when it comes to this planet and I am worth more than just being a slave to the service industry, cleaning stuff and being alive just for the sake of being alive!
And my dear friend Dan Rogan (who passed away), I hear your voice telling me that I am blessed, and I am in so many ways but I also deserve some recognition for the things that I do to contribute to this world, which is just as important as everyone elses.
So, I am going forward with the album and by writing this and coming to a final decision about the music recording purchase, my agitation is fading and thank you for listening!
On a final note, I want to thank my Mother - (though we have had our ups and downs over the years) - thank her for the unconditional love and undying support for me as an artist and as a human being. I couldn't have made it through this life and especially these last 3 years, without her!
~peace~
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