There has always been this constant battle, in my life, with - this great love that so many have for me but also a constant disregard as well. I don't expect people to just give up their lives and worship the ground I walk on or become Jason groupies but many times I have felt that I have been in this position... of "It's just Jason" - and let me tell you... it took almost 2 decades to erase much of the damage that 11 horrific years of school in Indiana as a gay dude, living in the shadow of the proteges in my family as an impressionable child and a female matriarch that had great love for me but continuously belittled me and a one love of my life who also did the same. It took me almost 2 decades to feel that I had any worth. Many will say, "Well, Jason... you could have tried to do music or sell your art when you were younger or you could have gone to college and had a career so you wouldn't be poor now." 
This is true but when you are spending year in, year out, trying to repair the damage that has been done to yourself, (often times with friends and alcohol and or drugs or sex- which were bad ways but in some good ways too) those other things are very difficult to accomplish! 
I am not crazy and, I am not stupid. Self absorbed, yes - less now than before but yes - but underneath it ALL - what I truly am and will always be is... AN ARTIST. 

It has gone down different avenues but that is what I am!
And as far as my life goes - don't think that I just blame blame blame everyone else and the world for all of my problems. No one forced me to make any of the good (few) or the many bad decisions that I have made in this life that I suffer some of the consequences of - to this day - but there are and were many reasons WHY I made those decisions in the first place! 

There have been a few things that I have accomplished that are good, in this life but most everything else has been a failure or just trying to survive - and that stinks! And for so long and especially now - it's always about $$$MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEYMONEYMONEYMONEY - or lack there of. I know that it doesn't bring happiness - per say and is not the most important thing in life but lack of it - in the world that we live in today - can pretty much ruin any chances of "happiness" when you are, and your family that you love so much, is suffering because of that lack of.  So, I started to finally realize that all of this has been weighing heavily on my mind, causing this agitation - because I am getting ready to purchase (and bankrupt myself for February, basically) the computer and microphone to begin recording the record that I was suppose to start back in November! 

I am a rookie amateur when it comes to music but it has been the only thing that I have had a "passion" for in my entire life! But I started in on myself - "Oh, you shouldn't spend the money on that - you suck, you are a rookie, nobody listens to it or you etc etc" and tonight, as I write this, I had a flashback of my entire life and all that I have mentioned in this dialogue and it made me angry and go, "you know what? - fuck it - I'm doing this!" - and I may not make a goddamned dollar off of it (per usual) and maybe I didn't go to 10 years of music school or art school - and don't get me wrong, I bow down and have so much respect for everyone who has done that and worked so hard and they deserve all of their success - but I mentioned the reasons why I didn't go that route and that doesn't mean that I DON'T DESERVE success or recognition just because I have traveled a different route in life. 

Anyway, I am rambling now but before I record this album (under my stage name JONSONA)  know that I don't expect (nor want) to become this big discovered mega star and be rich and famous to suggest that would fix all of the bad parts of a lackluster life - I don't expect tons of support for me doing the project of the project itself - but I do expect some RESPECT for me and the project that is very important to ME, even if it is not "your thing" - I don't think that that is too much to ask for. 

After this album is released (it will be for sale and I will have to spend some money to make that happen) - it may not make a damn dime and if that does indeed happen AGAIN, I won't be too disappointed for I am used to it now, but the one day that I finally DO leave this wretched planet, I can feel good about myself and the fact that I didn't let lack of support, lack of the almighty dollar or... fear, stop me from doing something that I love to do and that I kept "trying" instead of just being an overweight, bleached blonde HIV laden queer, feeling sorry for himself and doing nothing but lying in bed all day. Damn it, I am important when it comes to this planet and I am worth more than just being a slave to the service industry, cleaning stuff and being alive just for the sake of being alive!
And my dear friend Dan Rogan (who passed away), I hear your voice telling me that I am blessed, and I am in so many ways but I also deserve some recognition for the things that I do to contribute to this world, which is just as important as everyone elses.

So, I am going forward with the album and by writing this and coming to a final decision about the music recording purchase, my agitation is fading and thank you for listening!

On a final note, I want to thank my Mother - (though we have had our ups and downs over the years) - thank her for the unconditional love and undying support for me as an artist and as a human being. I couldn't have made it through this life and especially these last 3 years, without her!

~peace~