As I write this, I should be playing "My Place In This World" by Michael W. Smith, just to make it all super sappy but, I'm not into "sap" these days so some 80's music on the Kindle will have to suffice. I've been an agitated mess for the last day and a half and I had just figured it was the death of my beloved Casey and or the full moon, sucking the water out of my brain but as the full moon was ending, the agitation continued so as always, I self analyzed (which usually takes place during wicked bouts of insomnia) so I could figure out what the hell is wrong with me - and here's what it came down to. 

It's already a daily struggle with my frustration with the fellow citizens of this country and humans on this planet that are being WILLFULLY ignorant as to what is going on in the world and the USA these days, the lies, the deceit, the very physical destruction of this planet - to even be able to sustain life for even another 40 years, really. What astounds me the MOST is people with young children that would rather not be labeled a "conspiracy theorist" than protect your children and THEIR future but you know what, I don't give a fuck anymore - everyone believe whatever you want to believe - you'll find out the ugly truth when it hits you in the face at 100 mph! I have accepted that I alone or with just even a few, don't have the power to help stop all of the evil that is going on, on the planet so I have decided that I need to concentrate on something I CAN control, me and MY life.

Back in mid 2014, I almost died. If I hadn't gone to the emergency room on the day that I did, I'd of been dead in 6 or so days and two days into being in the hospital, up until I had my minor lung surgery, I was just a hop skip and jump away from death, still.

What's weird though, for me - it wasn't that traumatic. Being sick and feeling like crap like I had never felt before and upsetting my family...THAT was more traumatic to me than the thought of dying was. I used to be TERRIFIED of death but not so much now. But I ended up making an unexpected miraculous recovery per the rest of 2014. At first, when I got home, I felt this great thankfulness and gratitude to God and friends and family and for being ALIVE. But as summer and fall turned to winter, that feeling began to fade. It was apparent to me that life as I had known it (world sucking, money problems, darkness etc) were all still there. But the main thing that kept me going before and after the "sickness" was my music (the music that I had produced, created and shared in 2013/2014 and especially the last of Bypass Ratio's singles after getting out of the hospital. The sad thing about that though is that (with the exception of a few friends and family) - and like all artistic ventures that I tried so hard to get to work, not many gave a shit about it, any of it, because it was ME doing it. And before everyone reading this goes "Oh Jason, that's not true!" - If you can find a way to get into my body, brain, heart and soul and live these last 41 years as ME with every minute of experiences from birth in 1973 to NOW - THEN and only then can you judge and comment on what I have been through in this life. 

Now don't get me wrong, I know I haven't had the worst life in this world - I constantly remind myself of this in my later years and every single day - I don't live in The Ukraine or Iraq or the hoods of Detroit or have cancer or a sick child, I have all of my limbs - stuff like that - but I do struggle (as many in this world I'm sure do - too) with...WHY THE FUCK AM I HERE ON THIS RATCHET ASS PLANET? On one hand I am thankful that my parents gave me life, on the other hand, there are actually times that I feel great anger that I didn't get to ascend into light and love last summer, from Regional Hospital. Stuck, back in this life of continuous lack of money and going from poor but still independent to 100% dependent on a government that I LOATH and constant reminders of a disappointing life. And not just mine, but my family, my mother - what my immediate family is going through and is feeling...I FEEL too - 100% because I have a deep deep love for them. I may not show tons of emotion these days but trust me... it is in there!!  Remember, I was more concerned about how my possible death last summer, would effect them emotionally, not about how I FELT about my possible death.